LETTING IT STINK GOOD

Technology. In this age of microwave ovens, text messaging and Youtube we have become all too dependent on modern technology to do all of the things we are unable or too lazy to do.
Since the advent of the internet everything we could ever want or need is literally at our fingertips...some more literal than others. You can get an entire brake assembly for your Nissan Pathfinder online for a fraction of the actual store price. For those do-it-yourselfers out there this is awesome, but can we really depend on modern technological advances to take care of our naughty parts as well as our cars?
As the New York Minute grows shorter so do our patience for things. Today everything is measured in kilobits per second and download percentages like an illegal porn movie. Using that as the rubric for an acceptable waiting time then taking ten minutes to do anything seems like lifetime. No time to trim the proverbial hedges. But there are things that can't be rushed, like our hygiene for instance. There is nothing more important to our bodies than that. We run them through the gambit of day-to-day living it only seems right to "freshen them up" a little, right? Plus, how can we expect to take someone home with us smelling like a Turkish fish and chips bazaar? How good is the sexual experience supposed to be if we refuse to pay special attention to our most special areas?
Allow me a moment to return you to the proper perspective.
Men: There is more pressure on us to be impeccable when wooing the object of our loins. So with that in mind follow closely the procedures of manscaping. You know what I'm talking about. If you weren't there the day they were handing out the rules of Manhood then use your common sense; which goes wash, rinse, repeat. Scrub everything until it smells like nothing at all. Then apply deodorant and cologne. When it comes to hair manage it like a freedom garden. Take much care when doing some trimming around the holy rod and the two cardinals. Don't have a steady enough hand to pull of a procedure of this magnitude then take your Holy See to the professionals at your local rub-and-tug (Koreans can do anything). Put on clean clothes and shoes and you're set. Also, when exploring your partner's caves and crevasses prepare yourself properly...use Listerine, the yellow kind; The green and blue kinds feel too cold (or so I've been told).
Women: Again, the key to your general hygiene is common sense so I'll focus on the secret garden south of your Mason-Dixon line. They say that cutting down the rain forest is bad thing. The same goes for you. Men like to be reminded that they are performing cunnilingus on an adult woman. When it comes to the lotus batch clean it, but not too much. It tends to dry out faster. No guy wants to make sweet love to a sheet of 3M sandpaper or go down and manually water the garden every ten strokes. Too little and we can smell you from down the street. Treat it like a steak; we like hot, juicy, pink centers. Just run up to the waterfall, open up, swish around and air it out. You don't have to completely purify it in Lake Minatonka. Now venture about a half inch southward from the pu-denda and clean the rust off of the sheriff's badge. If we're going spelunking the least you can do is make sure bats don't fly out.
Yes, technology is a great help to us when getting where we need to go, but it is our sole responsibility to get there using the best means. And if that means spending a few extra minutes chasing rabbits out of the cabbage patch then so be it. Because when it comes down to it there are few things in this world more important than the sacred act of scraping barnacles from the anchor. Though the pace and the landscape may change we must always keep our wits about us. Remember to always keep a clear conscience when searching with your eye closed.

P.S. As a matter of carnal couth analingus is considered an extra. There is nothing mandatory about copper starfish duty. Remember penny poaching is a gift. Use it wisely.

Carry on my wayward sons.
AG

SOME VALENTINES' THOUGHTS

So, Valentines' Day is but days away. This Sunday to be exact, and I find myself a little unnerved. Plagued really by certain questions that have arisen from the combination of two sacred traditions. Now, I've witnessed many people proclaiming their "love" for Jesus, but how much do we really love Jesus? Or better yet, how do we define a love like that?
Do we "love" Jesus the same way we love our dog or is he right on par with our families or our significant others? For those of us who go through the motions of church worship, usually to make someone happy I suspect that you "love" Jesus about as much as those High-heel pumps you wore to church or your KIA Sorrento parked outside. In which case I won't appeal to you for an answer. But for those "hardcore Christians" who pass out church pamphlets to everyone at their job and who will tell you in a heartbeat that they "love" Jesus more than life itself, I direct these questions to you. As we all know Valentines' Day is the premier time for proclaiming our love to those whom we truly desire, right? So with that said If the love that you have for Jesus supercedes that of your significant other, does Jesus then become your "Valentine"? I mean, do you put "I Love You" cards and white roses in the collection basket instead of a 25$ check? Do you lick your lips sensually after that shot of "Jesus' Blood" imagining for the moment that it was the preamble to a "quiet evening" in a motel room with His Holiness? Should you get a "Holy Hard-on" when taking the "body of Jesus" into yours? Yes! How else should you celebrate a celebrity Valentine on Earth from on High?
If you don't plan on doing any of these things on Sunday don't you think you should. I mean the man died for your sins. The least you can do is put out. It takes little effort. All you have to say is, "I'm in love with you, Jesus." "I want you to annoint my head with your holy oil." "I am like a lamb and you are my shepherd, so herd me!"
...Well, maybe you don't have to say all of that but something to that affect.
In summary, wear that black push-up bra, hike up that skirt, and keep yourself wide open for some "Amazing Grace". And remember what happens between you and God stays between you and God...Now how sweet does that sound?

AG
(The New Damage)